SUMMARY OF THE FIRST-EVER THESIS ON A NEVER-RESEARCHED-BEFORE TOPIC: "TIGER BLOOD"

A new, mysterious blood group, hitherto unknown to the scientific world: TB+ (abbr. for Tiger Blood always Positive). Individuals who have this running in their veins are typically strong, active, popular and are guaranteed to get lots of media coverage...now, who wouldn't want that?


Now, without wasting any more time, lets get to the facts: here is the list of people who have been tested for Tiger Blood so far and this is what our very interesting research found out:


Group A: People with confirmed Tiger Blood:


1. Charlie Sheen (The One...i.e. the one from whom all the Tiger Blood in this world flows)
2. Tiger Woods (apparently, the original 'Tiger', and famed for being a nocturnal predator, just like tigers and Sheen)
3. Tigers (the ones with stripes and tails, commonly found in zoos and occasionally in jungles)
4. Sourav Ganguly (not just a Tiger Blood, but also one of the marquee Royal Bengal variety)
5. Velupillai Prabhakaran (no questions asked!!)


Group B: People suspected to have Tiger Blood:


1. John Terry (test results are being processed, but will be a huge shock if they dont report positive; JT satisfies all the criteria for being a pureblood Tiger Blood...btw, there are no half-blood Tiger Bloods...only purebloods and the rest of us Muggles)
2. Shane Warne (similar set of activities to Messrs Sheen, Woods and Terry is an indicator of true Tiger Bloodedness)
3. Rory McIllroy (calls himself 'Tiger-like', has been taking blood tests of late and has a tendency to break scoring records)
4. Salman Khan (Tigers dont wear shirts and like to hunt deer...needn't say more)
5. Ashton Kutcher (the producers of one of US's largest grossing TV shows surely can't be fools...they must've spotted some Tiger Blood in Ashton...though i doubt if they ever watched "Dude, Where's my car?")
6. Angelina Jolie (well, Lara Croft rather, not Jolie herself...Tigress Blood, Tiger Blood...not much difference..)
7. Robin Van Persie (his 'predatory instincts' of late had raised suspicions, but is likely to test negative...tigers dont spend half their time in hospitals, after all)


Group C: People who have been confirmed as not having Tiger Blood:


1. MS Dhoni (is being tested for Lion Blood though)
2. Rafa Nadal (confirmed as a pitbull and not a tiger)
3. Sebastian Vettel (runs on Red Bull, so doesn't actually need any blood)
4. Shah Rukh Khan (Tiger Bloods dont make cheesy superhero movies meant only for kids)
5. Dhanush (a true Tiger must have Kolaveri of its own, crying about someone else possessing that damn Kolaveri automatically rules you out of Tiger Blood status)


- By ARun